Grief

It's 2AM and I'm up. Nick's out of town and I'm sitting up with my thoughts watching my Little Olive sleep.  I can never sleep when Nick is gone, so I thought I would finally type up these thoughts that keep swimming around in my head.

I think of her everyday. Little Bird has been gone for close to 3 months. We keep silent mementos of her throughout our house. There are two different cute, smudgy hand prints that we refuse to clean off our mirrors. One in the hallway and one in the Littles' Room. I see them all the time. Sometimes I put my hand up to her hand print and try to remember the day and I held her up to that mirror and she smiled and reached her hand out to touch her reflection.

Her pacifiers are still under the crib. Little Bird slept with a pacifier and sometimes they would fall out of the crib during her tossing and turning. We typically would round up the stray pacifiers from under the crib every few days. After she left, we didn't pick them up anymore.  He's seen them and I've seen them - but neither one of us will reach under the crib to remove them. Because if we remove them, then that's one more piece of her that is gone.  So I keep her paci's there and smile when I catch a glimpse of them.

I don't bring this next thing up to many people, but it's part of my story and it's important for me to process, so here it goes.

I'm losing weight. At first I shrugged it off when Nick would mention my clothes looked baggy. Then I went to the annual doctor visit and saw a new number on the scale. I chalked it up to different things. I tried to blame it on the malaria I contracted earlier this summer in Uganda. Admittedly, the initial days after Little Bird left, I had no appetite. But that soon was resolved and I returned to my normal eating habits and calorie intake. Then Olive came and our wonderful friends have provided us with delicious meals. We have been dining like kings for 2 months. But I still had to go buy new jeans that didn't need to be cinched up with a belt like my old ones. I've maintained my "no exercise because-I'm-lazy policy." Then, Nick brought home a new scale last week and I weighed myself for a second time in 3 months. And saw another brand new number, different from the one at the doctor's office. I wondered aloud if I had a parasite, perhaps a tapeworm that was changing my weight? However, it's all forced me to admit what I had suspected. My body is mourning the loss of her. There is a sadness I carry. I still can't talk about her without welling up. I Googled grief and found stories similar to mine. People losing weight due to stress or grief - even though they are maintaining the same calorie intake as before.

I would gladly gain 100 pounds if it meant that I knew she was safe. That she was going to be ok. That Little Bird will grow up in a loving and stable environment and that she would never again have to see the things she's witnessed or feel afraid or alone.  This isn't about the number on the scale.

(Good news: I'm still in a safe weight range and don't intend to get in an unsafe weight range. Ever.)

Readers, Foster Moms, have you had similar experiences? This is new for me and I'm wondering when my body will go back to "neutral."

I'm also curious as to how my body will react when Olive leaves. If you've experienced this same type of thing, did it repeat itself?

Guest Blogger: What Ashley Knows

Hi,

I'm Ashley, Jak's sister.  You may have noticed her lack of blog posts lately.  Yeah, me too.  She has a newborn.  So, I figured I would help her out and give everyone an update. 

Here’s what I know:

Rockin' the Moby

Baby Olive is doing wonderfully well.  I don't have children, so my point of reference is based on my college nannying experience.  But, from what I can tell, she's pretty mellow and a "typical" infant.  Maybe I'm just a proud aunt gushing- but, she is really beautiful and great at cuddling- at such a young age too!  She also looks really fabulous in pink, which goes well with her complexion. 

I know that Jak and Nick have the most amazing friends and network of support.  Seriously, it's been mind-blowing to watch God use folks who have generously poured their love onto Little Bird and Baby Olive.  From the bottom of my heart- thank you for loving them and helping them!  Seriously, you guys rock!   

Another thing I've noticed, fostering has changed my family.  Not just Jak and Nick, but my entire family.  First, Jak and Nick are real parents, not just kind hearted folks who foster.  Watching this all unfold is an odd experience really.  There wasn't a pregnancy or baby showers for me to attend and I didn't get to see my sis pregnant, swollen and miserable.  But, I saw her holding her foster daughter and there it was--- a mother and a child. 

These showed up on our front door shortly after O arrived 

I know that my 22 year old brother graduated from college in December without the ability to feed or burp a baby.  Nick and I quickly remedied this over the Christmas holiday.  Keith has always been the thoughtful type. So on a recent trip to Dallas, when O woke up at 4 a.m. for a feeding, Keith, now confident in his skills, bounded out of bed and up the stairs to assist Jak.  I, on the other hand, slept right through it. 

Yes, he is in an adult onesie. 

I know that I don't have to become a single foster parent at 27 to help the orphan.  After watching Jak and Nick go through caring for Foster Baby No. 1- Little Bird, I decided to become a CASA, or a Court Appointed Special Advocate.  If you aren't fostering, and you have a heart for the orphan, YOU SHOULD DO IT.  Basically, you volunteer to see a child through the process of being taken away from their family and being placed in foster care.  It requires about 20-30 hours a month of your time. Go here to find out about it in your area:  http://www.casaforchildren.org/site/c.mtJSJ7MPIsE/b.5301295/k.BE9A/Home.htm.  But, seriously, DO IT. 

What I don't know:

I don't know what's going to happen to Baby O.  I don't know if she will be reunified with her parents.  I don't know if I will get to spend more Christmases with her.  I do not know how to help my sister and brother-in-law heal after what could be the loss of their 2nd child.  I don't know if I will ever feel convinced that reunifying her with her biological parents is what is best for Olive….if that happens.      

Proud aunt Ash, in  a toga......it's a long story

But, when confronted with that overwhelming sense of "Oh crap.  Is my sister a sadist?  Why would she intentionally put herself into situations that could be very painful in the near future?" It hits me: That is exactly what Christ did for me.  

How humbling.  

How To Make Cleaning Bottoms Swanky in 6 Simple Steps!

Here's a tutorial that will change your life (Or just make use of extra material cluttering up your closet & make you the envy of all parents).

How To Make Cleaning Bottoms Swanky in 6 Simple Steps!

Step 1: Rifle through your closets, drawers, hampers and find some material not being properly utilized. I chose an old, terry cloth hand towel (that may or may not have been accidentally boosted from a hotel)  and a laminated cotton, houndstooth material I had previously purchased for another project. 

Note: I would not use oilcloth for this project as you need something that bends very easily and oilcloth can be very stiff.

I do not condone stealing from your hotel stays. But it is what it is.

Step 2: Trim off the bulk. I cut off the hems on all 4 sides of the towel.

 Step 3: With right sides facing together, sew waterproof cloth to towel, leaving an opening roughly 4 inches wide. Then turn right side out and sew the remaining, 4 inch hole.

Step 4: Find some spare ribbon lying around along with 1.5" of hook & loop tape. (aka: Velcro) Fold over the ends and run it through your sewing machine real quick to tack over the ends. Then sew the soft side of the hook and loop tape to one end of the ribbon.

Step 5: Decide how you want to fold your diaper changing pad to fit into your diaper bag. This part is clutch. You want to make sure it will fit into the designated pocket in your specific bag. I chose to fold my pad into thirds. Once you have chosen a way to fold the pad, attach the rough side of the hook and loop tape in the spot you will need to secure the pad closed when folded.

Step 6: Determine where to attach the ribbon so when folded, the hook and loop tape aligns. Then sew the ribbon to the changing pad.

VIOLA! There you have it. Cleaning tiny hineys has never looked so good. You'll almost look forward to changing your baby...I said almost.

Finished product

All packed up and ready to roll!

Little Olive needs a mobile

Little Olive has been requesting visually appealing art for her crib since her vision is now stronger and she can see the objects a few feet away. Up until now, the poor child was only starring at the ceiling.  That would not do at all.

It was time to make her a mobile. Well, my version of a mobile.

Before: Boring ceiling

Step 1: Buy interesting, light weight objects at local craft store

I chose Martha Stewart Crafts Ornament Balls

Step 2: Piece 5 ornament balls together with brads included in the kit.

I bought the white set and a spool of yellow ribbon with white polka dots

Step 3: Get hubby and friend to entertain baby downstairs while you go to work upstairs.
Step 4: Attach ribbon to ball and then hang ornament balls on ceiling in a random pattern. I chose to vary the length of the ribbon.

After:  Exciting ceiling art

Little Olive's view from the crib

Step 5: Place baby in crib for endless hours (aka: fleeting minutes) of visual stimuli.